How does my story sound so far?

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Tyler Richard Profile
Tyler Richard answered

I'm writing  story about mental Illness on wattpad what do u think

“ one...two... three” Justin counted repeatedly. He closed his eyes and he continuesly counted numbers, at some points his numbers weren't in order, but that didn't matter to him, what mattered was what exactly was he counting for?

It was his coping macanism. He hears voices that guide him to do bad things, he cuts himself, he bangs his head on walls. These voices are what takes over him, and all he can do for now is count continuesly, hoping for the voices to fade. And this is what leaded him into living his life in a sanitarium. Where he is said to live for the rest of his life, that is until he gets better hopefully.

And this place was made for teenagers. Justin wasn't the only one here Suffering, there were other people his age just like him at this very place. But it's obvious, Justin won't ever get out. He did have a chance once, but just when he started pulling a knife out on a random stranger, it just couldn't happen.

"Justin" a woman with long brown hair and blue scrubs called his name. This woman is Justin's personal nurse, though everyone has one in this sanitarium. And every minute she had to check up on Justin.

"Hey Sweety" she said walking in to see Justin starring directly act the ceiling.

"Are you ok?" She asked him, he didn't respond, he just fiddled with his fingers , but what ended up coming out of his mouth was the total opposite of what she had asked.

"They're talking to me again ..." He rasped, still starring blankly at the ceiling.

5 People thanked the writer.
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HappyTo BeHereTo
HappyTo BeHereTo commented
Actually, I'm going to post this comment as an answer to get your writing on the main page a second time. :)
Tyler Richard
Tyler Richard commented
Thank you and yes I noticed the few errors I will be sure to correct them :D
Danae Hitch
Danae Hitch commented
Also, it's "staring" not "starring". Starring would be like starring in a role in a musical or TV.
HappyTo BeHereTo Profile

You're doing great! Keep going! 👍

I hope you'll stay with us. We have several writers in our community who can give you lots of support.

My only recommendation is to use spell check. Mechanism, not macanism, etc. Having someone good at spelling and grammar read your work prior to publication is a great help.

Good job!

Virginia Lou Profile
Virginia Lou answered

Dear Tyler,

That is very powerful and beautifully simple writing, it helps people understand about mental illness.

I agree with HappyTwo, good job. And I also hope you continue to be here on Blurtit.

Corey The Goofyhawk Profile
Corey The Goofyhawk , Epic has no limit, answered

Indeed, well done. I enjoyed it! As Happy said, stick with us. We'd love to have you around!

Matt Radiance Profile
Matt Radiance answered

Personally i liked it.

-The topic is unique in it's own skin. Today's world and specially our country U.S needs awareness and attention on mental illness. It's a good tribute to those who suffered or experienced their beloved ones suffering from this matter.

-The writing is good, simple and tricky. To me it's motivational to read more and more! Sometimes simplicity is the key to not get confused and understand better. I'm a very imagery person, the writing's handling was easy! Easy to capture and give it an image and color in my mind.

-Your descriptions are nice, details are crucial to understanding and imagery which you have done almost well.

-I liked the ending and i would like to read the continue. The way it ended with "they talking to me again" it's tricky!

My suggestions would be to make sure you know all about mental illness, every detail and struggle, the more you know, the more you feel, the better you can describe and adopt to your characters. Care about details and cover several perspectives.

It's a good one, keep it up.

Megan goodgirl Profile
Megan goodgirl answered

good . I to enjoy like to write, well done Tyler.

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